The Dating Diaries: How many sexual partners is too many?

Does the magic number really matter? asks Lillie Rohan. Photo / 123RF


“I can speak on behalf of the male gender that body size is hugely important. It is above all a deal breaker.”

Surprisingly, this isn’t a quote from Joe Rogan or Andrew Tate. It’s from a guy who was courting my boyfriend. Immediately flaming red flag.

And aside from infuriating the feminist in me — and honestly sounds like a serial killer saying it — it asks an age-old question. How many sex partners is too many?

Does sleeping with fewer people make you a better partner? Does sleeping with more people make you better in bed? Both suggestions make me fill up Michael Scott from The Office, but here we are.

Most of us have heard the chat, men don’t like women who have slept with a lot of men and women can’t have the same sex lives as men.

Why? because it’s just “different”.

It started when we were in high school and everyone found out that Sarah had slept with two people when she was 17. She was quickly labeled as a **t. But Jack? He had slept with three chicks and was a legend.

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It continued into the horny talk phases we had in our early twenties. The one question that was always inevitably a part of the conversation, “How many people have you slept with?” If you said too much you would get ghosted, if you said too little you would get ghosted.

And according to Bumble, 21 percent of Kiwis judge another person for their spicy date, and after screaming into my pillow, I have a question.


I won’t lie, this deep dive feels a little beyond my capabilities. I’ve searched far and wide, I’ve consulted my intimidating wall of dating books and ultimately I’ve had to lay down my resources and call in the big guns.

Come in, Bumble. Not the big bee – the dating app.

You’ve been quizzing Kiwis to find out all your naughty little secrets and, most importantly, how you feel about sex.

So while I’d love to sit, sip a Cosmopolitan and rant about why women should be allowed to have consensual sex with as many people as they want without judgement, I’ll leave that to the experts.

Considering that one in five Kiwi singles doesn’t believe in monogamy, it’s quite sad and cynical to hear that some men — and women — believe that the number of people we’re through with is an issue.

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But like I said, it’s an age old problem. It’s not new.

Your grandparents took care of it, your parents took care of it and now you have to deal with it.

Samantha Jones wouldn’t be impressed, but such is life; In fact, the root of the problem may lie in our insecurities.

39 percent of Kiwi singletons say they feel too inexperienced. I know, I also thought it would be less. I mean, Netflix releases some glorified porn at least once a week. You’d think we’d have learned something if it wasn’t for false confidence.

But obviously this feeling has a side effect – it affects our sexual confidence and what do we do when we feel insecure or uncomfortable?

Punch someone who absolutely kills it.

It’s like being back on an elementary school soccer field. Ben is really good at kicking a rugby ball but you’re not like that, what are you doing?

You make fun of his shoes. God those really cool brand new bright orange Adidas kicks his mom got him for Christmas. “So lame,” you say while running home and telling your mom you want a pair.

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It’s Tall Mohn Syndrome at its peak. We Kiwis just aren’t that good at accepting that someone might be better at something than we are, so picky.

The same applies to our magic number.

It seems like people think the higher your magic number, the better you are at sex. It’s just intimidating to think someone has more experience than you – the science behind it is rigged, by the way, but try saying that to the 21 percent of Kiwis who think your magic number matters.

So instead of digging into their ghastly opinions, I suggest that you take Samantha Jones’s advice instead and ditch the stigma.

“If I worried about what every b***h in New York said about me, I would never leave the house.”

At the end of the day, it shouldn’t matter how many notches there are on that bedpost because there are so many reasons why it’s a small number or a big number. Not to mention that it’s really nobody’s business but yours.

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