My daughters think I can do anything, even handstands


I haven’t started many apples in the last five years; 98% of my apple consumption is leftovers from my kids apples. However, now it is different.

When they see me in Apple Mop Up mode, they’re amazed at what they know I’m going to do. I also know that as an entertainer I have to give people what they want.

I know that the opportunities to really impress my kids will diminish over time. Right now I’m the tallest person in her family. I can still lift them, beat them in a race in a pinch (and also pinch them if I’m losing).

You can take comfort in the fact that I am some kind of rock. But within a few years/months/possibly days they will begin to see my weaknesses.

I can already feel it. You seem so generous in your praise now. They’re doing gymnastics and slowly making progress with handstands.

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“Can YOU do a handstand, Daddy?” I bend my ‘Men in Black Edgar the Bug, The Giant Alien Cockroach Trapped in a Farmer’s Body’ body and raise my legs briefly.

My brain is sending signals that we are all going to die. “You’re so good at handstands daddy,” they lie.

One day they will just shake their heads sadly. Knowing they’ll have to leave me for The Reivers while we try to escape in the aftertimes. But now they want me to eat the apple Grandpa Patsy way.

One day I casually mentioned that Grandpa Patsy was an avid apple eater. He would eat the apple core and everything. I remember watching this feat in amazement when I was just a young apple scraper, a mere skin peeler.

He ate a small homegrown apple early on, just as one of V’s reptilians would eat a mouse.

“Can you do that daddy?” They asked. In fact I can. I wouldn’t be someone to break a generational line. So now I’ve become the apple eater of my father’s eye.

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Casually holding it by its stem (nobody eats the stem, we’re humans, not composters). get rid of it

The children squeal with delight. Pure amazement in her eyes. I soak up the feeling and know I’ll need it to fuel myself in decades to come when life will be a series of “Ah Daddy, wouldn’t you wear a different sweater?” and “Where did daddy wander off to?”

It is not without consequences. Because I eat the seeds, apple trees will grow in my stomach. That’s something we just have to deal with.

When the first little buds peek out through my nose and ears and start attracting pollinators, they need to be trimmed along with the weird white hairs of the alien moles that come out there too. But we are entering dormancy anyway, so germination will take a while. Right now it’s all gain, not pain.

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There is a downside to this hero worship. When I’m completely wrong about something.

We were late for something the other day and that was because I gave the wrong time.

“Can you just get in the car and don’t hesitate?” I said to the elder. “I won’t stop daddy. I said we had to go and you said we had plenty of time.”

I have responded to this speaking of truth to power by erasing it from the will. which is reasonable.

But when you’re a hero, there’s nothing harder than knowing you let someone down.

Still, the bottom line isn’t it nice? That you can have people who think the simple things you do are worth cheering for.

And that’s really the gist of it.



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